Two good balls

Book club

Book club

We're a little backed up

Golf chick

Family Men

Three men are in a bar, all very drunk, and talking to each other, bragging about their families.

The first guy says, "I have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team."

The second guy says, "That's nothin'. I have eleven sons. One more and I'll have a football team."

The third guy, the drunkest of them all replies "You guys haven't found true happiness. I have seventeen wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."

Beernana

HB

Golf chick

Wife and a steady job

Golf Partner

A fellow comes home after his regular Saturday golf game and his wife asks why he doesn't include Tom O'Brien in the games anymore.

The husband asks, "Would you want to play with a guy who regularly cheats, swears up a storm over everything, lies about his score, and has nothing good to say about anyone else on the course?"

"Of course I wouldn't," replies the wife.

"Well," says the husband, "neither would Tom O'Brien."

Nice Rack

Charley Willard

Sexy game

SB

Lifesaver

Top Ten Signs You’re Golfing Too Much

When you pick up something off the floor, you have to lean on your putter

The only number on your speed dial is 1-800-TEETIME.

You have your priorities in order: food, shelter, greens fees, job.

You dream you go to prison but still get conjugal visits with your driver.

You tell the lost motorist that the gas station is only a par 4 away on the left.

You’d like to take off your glove but hey, why bother?

Whenever you see a hole in the ground, you squat, squint and read the line.

You’re vaguely aware of living with a woman, allegedly your wife

You ask the shopper ahead in the checkout line if you can play through.

Before you pick up the salt shaker, you mark its position with a dime.

Golf chick

I hit this divot

Head wipes

New set of clubs

cb

Diora Baird

Best adds

Dear Abby

Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs. Phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with "the girls" a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."

I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with "the girls".

It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs, that I noticed that the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a hairline crack right by the club head. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro shop where I bought it?

Signed,
Perplexed

Father & Son moment

Wait just a minute

Testing your skill

Two Scots

Two Scots, Rabby and Angus are playing golf and come upon a water hole.

Rabby tees up and hits it into the middle of the pond.

He reaches into his bag to find that he is out of balls. He then asks Angus for a ball and proceeds to hit it into the pond as well. This goes on for 3 or 4 more times and when he asks Angus for yet another ball, Angus says."Rabby, these ball cost me a pretty penny,"

Rabby replies "Och!, Angus if you cannee afford to play the game, ya should nee be out here"

AB

Some partners are hot

Beer emotions

Rather play golf

Goreculator

GOLFaholic

Golf Course Or...

Four married guys go golfing.While playing the 4th hole, the following conversation took place:

1st Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

2nd Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife I will build a new deck for the pool."

3rd Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife I will remodel the kitchen for her.

They continued to play the hole when they realized that the 4th guy hadn't said anything. So they asked him, "You haven't said anything about what you had todo to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"

4th guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 a.m. and when it went off, I shut off the alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, 'golf course or intercourse?'

And she said, "Wear your sweater".

TB

Someone died playing golf

Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. "Bad day at the course?" his wife asked.

"Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee."

"Oh, that's awful!"

"You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry."

Quote by Michael Green

Excuses For When You Must Play Golf! #6

I have to try out this new hat.

I haven't played the course in ten years since I moved away.

I heard a new sand trap was added to #4.

I heard golf is much easier when you're sober, so I have to try it.

I heard the course is flat - I always play well on flat courses.

I heard they cut the greens again. I have to try them out.

I heard they got rid of the port-o-potty at the turn.

I have to crown the new bathroom.

I just bought a box of titanium golf balls.

I just bought a new golf glove off the web.

I just bought a pair of waterproof shoes with slip-proof soft-spikes

I just bought a putter guaranteed to cut 10 strokes off my round

I just bought some slice-proof tees.

I just bought winter golf gloves. I want to see how they work.

I just enjoy having a cup of coffee while waiting on the tee box

I just finished a lesson on the Internet; I want to see if I improved.

I just finished the book titled 'Learn to Golf in Twenty Minutes'.

I just got a new distance finder

Garth McEvoy [LB]

Quote by Val Doonican

Religious battle golf

The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. "Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.

"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.

"Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!"

"No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."

Excuses For When You Must Play Golf! #5

I have not played since last summer.

I have only played that course on my computer.

I have some money from my company's profit sharing.

I have spent a lot of time practicing; I want to see how I do.

I have to get used to my new putter.

I have to golf as much as possible. We only golf 4 months in Alaska

I have to golf, it's a guy thing

I have to keep trying to get a hole in one!

I have to make sure my back stays loose.

I have to pay the club dues, I might as well get my money out of it.

I have to pick up a club I left at the course yesterday.

I have to see how my new lesson worked out.

I have to see if I eliminated my slice.

I have to see if my new sunglasses help me read the greens better

I have to see if these new golf balls will float.

I have to teach my son-in-law how to golf.

I have to test this new allergy medicine on the course.

I have to take my wife golfing at least once a year, it is in
the pre-nuptial.

Quote by Sam Snead

I want to buy a golf ball

A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning.

Finally the pro askes her what she wants. "I can't find any green golf balls," the blonde golfer complains.

The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls.

As the blonde golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks her, "Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?"

"Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!"

I did all of that?

After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"

"Yes," the golfer responded.

"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?"

"Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked.

"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"

The golfer thought it over carefully and responded...

"I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."

Quote by Robert Browning

Excuses For When You Must Play Golf! #4

I had to make a sales call at the course anyway.

I hate Nascar, and that's all that's on TV.

I have a few hours to kill before the M.A.S.H reruns start.

I have a meeting at the course, so I might as well go golfing.

I have a rain check from yesterday.

I have a scramble next week. I need the practice.

I have an opportunity to play with the three best players at the club.

I have been on a plane all day; I just really need some fresh air.

I practiced putting on my carpet; now I want to see if it pays off.

I have been taking anger counseling for my golf game.

I have been taking golf vitamins to hit the ball an extra 10 yards.

I watched the golf channel for 48 hours straight. I am psyched up.

I have never birdied a #1 handicap hole.

I have never eagled a hole before and I feel lucky.

I have never played a canyon course before.

I have never played bent grass before.

Quote by Chi Chi Rodriguez

Golf Tag #2

Ten years on a deserted island

A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!", he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"

He replies, "Ten years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?"

And the man replies, "Wow! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"

Excuses For When You Must Play Golf! #3

I golf at the outings, hoping to win the car.

I golf every day that ends in a 'y'.

I got a gift certificate for a free round of golf for my birthday.

I got a new beer coolie. I have to try it out on the course.

I got a new pair of knickers.

I got a super deal on a golf package.

I got kicked out of G.A. (Golfers Anonymous)

I got lost going to work and ended up at the golf course.

I got my new handicap card and want to show the guys at the club.

I got new license plates for my golf cart. I've got to check them out.

I got the hots for the beer girl.

I got those new golf balls that fly 'too far'; I have to try them out.

I had a dream last night telling me to go golfing.

I had a new soft-spikes put on my golf shoes.

I had a sunroof put in on my golf cart. I need to try it out.

I had back surgery yesterday. I need to see if it helped!

I had to join the course so my wife could make some friends

Golf Sign #4

Quote by Lee Trevino

Australian courses

Golf Tag #1

This is my first golf lesson

The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson.

"Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?'' she asked the instructor.

"P-u-t-t is correct,'' he replied.

"Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."

Quote by Brent Musberger

Excuses For When You Must Play Golf! #2

I always play well when it rains.

I am almost 50; I need to practice for the senior circuit.

I am just very optimistic I will play well if I golf today

I am required to golf for work; I love my job.

I am sick of playing golf on my computer and I want to play for real.

I am useless at work unless I golf twice a week.

I need to try out my new double titanium krypton driver

I bought a golf cart at a rummage sale.

I bought a whole new golf wardrobe.

I bought those new golf contact lenses, guaranteed to cut 5 strokes

I can expense it for business purposes.

I can finally keep my driver in the fairway.

I can finally play under pressure, so I can start betting again.

I can get some lawn care tips from the ground maintenance crew

I can pass gas, and no one is the wiser.

I can shoot par on the computer version now I want to try it for real

I finally got a set of brand clubs. I want to see if I can break 120!

Golf Sign #3

Quote by Bob Hope

Bad dog!

Golf Sign #2

An engineer, doctor, and pastor golfing

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!

Pastor: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.

[dramatic pause]

Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?

George: Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.

The group was silent for a moment.

Pastor: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.

Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?

Quote by Martha Beckman

Excuses For When You Must Play Golf! #1

A free round of golf was included with lessons.

A free round of golf was thrown in for test driving the car.

After reading the USGA rules, I have to change my theory on golf.

All the executives from my company play this course.

All the pin placements are forward today.

Church was cancelled because of all the snow, so I'm going golfing. *Drinking beer and golfing is just fun.

Excuse? I don't need no stinking excuse!

There's free beer at the turn.

Frustration is a rush. I can only get that on a golf course

Golf brings out my best competitive nature.

Golf fills the long void of the weekend until work starts again.

Golf teaches me patience, and I need a lesson.

History dictates the more I play, the better I get.

I almost broke 90 last time out. I need to keep trying.

I always meet interesting people on the course.

Golf is the only place I can take my girlfriend where she can't talk

constanlty

Golf Sign #1

18 Holes

Here's a slice of golf history you might enjoy.

Why do full-length golf courses have 18 holes, and not 20, 10 or an even dozen?

During a discussion among the membership board at St. Andrews Golf Club in 1858, one of the members pointed out that it takes exactly 18 holes to polish off a fifth of Scotch.

By limiting himself to only one shot of Scotch per hole, the Scot figured a round of golf was finished when the Scotch ran out...

The perfect club...