Golf Tag #2

Ten years on a deserted island

A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!", he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"

He replies, "Ten years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?"

And the man replies, "Wow! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"

Excuses For When You Must Play Golf! #3

I golf at the outings, hoping to win the car.

I golf every day that ends in a 'y'.

I got a gift certificate for a free round of golf for my birthday.

I got a new beer coolie. I have to try it out on the course.

I got a new pair of knickers.

I got a super deal on a golf package.

I got kicked out of G.A. (Golfers Anonymous)

I got lost going to work and ended up at the golf course.

I got my new handicap card and want to show the guys at the club.

I got new license plates for my golf cart. I've got to check them out.

I got the hots for the beer girl.

I got those new golf balls that fly 'too far'; I have to try them out.

I had a dream last night telling me to go golfing.

I had a new soft-spikes put on my golf shoes.

I had a sunroof put in on my golf cart. I need to try it out.

I had back surgery yesterday. I need to see if it helped!

I had to join the course so my wife could make some friends

Golf Sign #4

Quote by Lee Trevino

Australian courses

Golf Tag #1

This is my first golf lesson

The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson.

"Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?'' she asked the instructor.

"P-u-t-t is correct,'' he replied.

"Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."

Quote by Brent Musberger

Excuses For When You Must Play Golf! #2

I always play well when it rains.

I am almost 50; I need to practice for the senior circuit.

I am just very optimistic I will play well if I golf today

I am required to golf for work; I love my job.

I am sick of playing golf on my computer and I want to play for real.

I am useless at work unless I golf twice a week.

I need to try out my new double titanium krypton driver

I bought a golf cart at a rummage sale.

I bought a whole new golf wardrobe.

I bought those new golf contact lenses, guaranteed to cut 5 strokes

I can expense it for business purposes.

I can finally keep my driver in the fairway.

I can finally play under pressure, so I can start betting again.

I can get some lawn care tips from the ground maintenance crew

I can pass gas, and no one is the wiser.

I can shoot par on the computer version now I want to try it for real

I finally got a set of brand clubs. I want to see if I can break 120!

Golf Sign #3

Quote by Bob Hope

Bad dog!

Golf Sign #2

An engineer, doctor, and pastor golfing

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!

Pastor: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.

[dramatic pause]

Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?

George: Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.

The group was silent for a moment.

Pastor: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.

Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?

Quote by Martha Beckman

Excuses For When You Must Play Golf! #1

A free round of golf was included with lessons.

A free round of golf was thrown in for test driving the car.

After reading the USGA rules, I have to change my theory on golf.

All the executives from my company play this course.

All the pin placements are forward today.

Church was cancelled because of all the snow, so I'm going golfing. *Drinking beer and golfing is just fun.

Excuse? I don't need no stinking excuse!

There's free beer at the turn.

Frustration is a rush. I can only get that on a golf course

Golf brings out my best competitive nature.

Golf fills the long void of the weekend until work starts again.

Golf teaches me patience, and I need a lesson.

History dictates the more I play, the better I get.

I almost broke 90 last time out. I need to keep trying.

I always meet interesting people on the course.

Golf is the only place I can take my girlfriend where she can't talk

constanlty

Golf Sign #1

18 Holes

Here's a slice of golf history you might enjoy.

Why do full-length golf courses have 18 holes, and not 20, 10 or an even dozen?

During a discussion among the membership board at St. Andrews Golf Club in 1858, one of the members pointed out that it takes exactly 18 holes to polish off a fifth of Scotch.

By limiting himself to only one shot of Scotch per hole, the Scot figured a round of golf was finished when the Scotch ran out...

The perfect club...

Hole in one...

Quote by Will Rogers

I could only play 18 holes

Sweater

I got a sweater for my birthday, but I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

Finally, the game of golf is beginning to make sense

Rules Of Golf Of Union Printers Golf Club In Baltimore

These rules of golf are for good players whose scores would reflect their true ability, if only they got an even break once in awhile. They were adapted from those proposed by the Union Printers Golf Club in Baltimore and have some appealing provisions:

A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed on the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled in the rough. Such veering right or left frequently results from friction between the face of the club and the cover of the ball, and the player should not be penalized for the erratic behavior of the ball resulting from such uncontrollable mechanical phenomena.

A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific game. The player should estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, preferably from atop a nice firm tuft of grass.

There shall be no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball is on or near the course somewhere and eventually will be found and pocketed by someone else. It thus becomes a stolen ball, and the player should not compound the felony by charging himself with a penalty stroke.

In or near a bunker or sand trap, a ball rolling back toward the player may be hit again on the roll without counting an extra stroke or strokes. In any case, no more than two strokes are to be counted in playing from a bunker, since it is reasonable to assume that if the player had time to concentrate on his shot, instead of hurrying it so as not to delay his playing partners, he would be out in two.

If a putt passed over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to maintain a position in the atmosphere without something to support it must drop. The law of gravity supersedes the law of golf. (Same thing goes for a ball that stops on the brink of the hole and hangs there, defying gravity. You cannot defy the law). (Same thing goes for a ball that rims the cup. A ball should not go sideways. This violates the laws of physics).

A putt that stops close enough to the hole to inspire such comments as, "You could blow it in" ... may be blown in. This rule does not apply if the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants to make a travesty of the game.

You are 150 yards from center of green

You liar! You cheat!

On the second tee of the golf course with his wife, the husband said, "Twenty years ago I had a brief affair. It meant nothing. I hope you can forgive me.'

His wife was hurt but said, "Dearest, those days are long gone. What we have now is far more valuable. I forgive you." They embraced and kissed.

On the 17th tee, the husband was starting his back swing when the wife blurted out, "I'm sorry, darling, I've been so conscience-stricken since you told me of your affair.

Since we're being honest with each other, I have something to tell you also. Thirty-two years ago I had a sex change operation. I was a man before I met you. I hope you can forgive me.'

The husband froze at the top of his back swing and then threw a fit!

He slammed the driver into the ground, kicked the ball into the woods, stormed off the tee, pushed the golf cart over on its side, broke the rest of his clubs one by one, then started on hers.

He screamed and ranted, "You liar! You cheat! You despicable deceiver! How could you? I trusted you with all my heart and soul ... and all these years you've been playing off the ladies' tees!