The Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty In Golf But Aren't

10. Nuts...my shaft is bent

9. After 18 holes I can barely walk

8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker

7. Look at the size of his putter

6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more

5. Mind if I join your threesome?

4. Stand with your back turned and drop it

3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip

2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in golf but isn't:

1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first

Must have beer

Golf balls...

A pretty terrible golfer was playing a round of golf for which he had hired a caddie. The round proved to be somewhat tortuous for the caddie to watch and he was getting a bit exasperated by the poor play of his employer.

At one point the ball lay about 180 yards from the green and the as the golfer sized up his situation, he asked his caddie, "Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?" And the caddie replied, "Eventually."

I once played a course that was so tough, I lost two balls in the ball washer!!

A woman is cleaning out her attic and comes across a small box. She opens it and finds 3 golf balls and $250.00.

When her husband comes home she questions him and he finally admits that every time he was unfaithful to her he put a golf ball in the box.

She immediately goes ballistic and starts yelling at him, but as she is doing so she thinks "30 years of marriage and only 3 golf balls."

She calms down and says, "What you have done is not nice but I'll forgive you. However, I still don't know what the $250.00 is all about.

Her husband looks up at her and timidly says, "Well darling, every time I had collected a dozen balls I would sell them."

Arrogant Bastard Ale

Your have LOFT problem

The duffer decided that it was about time for a lesson to "tune up" his game. He told the pro that he wanted to work on swing mechanics, so the pro asked him to hit a few balls with his 9-iron so he could watch his swing. He addressed the ball, double checked his stance and grip, executed his take-away and backswing, his downswing and follow through. But, he toed the ball, and sliced it way off into the nearest fairway. He looked back at the pro for advice, who told him "Your problem is obvious Sir -- it's LOFT".

The golfer scratched his head, went to his bag and pulled out his driver. He repeated his routine, and topped the ball, sending it dribbling 30 yards out on the practice range. He looked at the pro for a suggestion, who advised him "Your problem is still LOFT". The frustrated student then pulled out a 5-iron, took his swing and struck an ugly duck hook. The pro again told him "I'm sorry, but your problem is still LOFT".

The golfer struggled to maintain his cool, and asked the pro, "I don't understand. I hit my first shot with my 9-iron, and you said my problem was loft. Then I took my least lofted club, hit it again, and you said my problem was still loft. Then I grabbed a middle iron, and you told me once again that my problem was loft. What exactly do mean by LOFT?"

The pro looked at him and explained, "Lack Of Fucking Talent!".

Now I know where our balls go

Golf..

A golfer tried three straight times to hit a golf ball over the inlet of water between him and the green. But each time the ball splashes into the drink. In utter frustration the golfer said, "Caddie, take my clubs on in, I'm going to jump into the water and drown myself."

The caddie replied, "I doubt that, sir. You couldn't keep your head down long enough to drown!"

A couple had a whirlwind, 30 day romance and even though they don't know too much about each other, they decide to get married. After a couple weeks, the husband says, "Honey, I have something I have to tell you. I'm a golf fanatic and I must play every day."

"I also need to tell you something," she replies. "I'm a hooker, and I need to do it every day."

"That's OK," he said, "we'll just play dog leg lefts."

A grandfather and grandson were playing golf together. On a severely dog-legged par 4, the grandfather told the grandson, "When I was your age, I'd aim right over those trees and hit the green every time." The grandson thought about that comment and decided to give it a try. He hit a perfect drive, but it landed right in the middle of the 50 ft trees.

The grandson looked sadly at the grandfather who said, "Of course when I was your age, those trees were 8 feet tall."

Woman in a leather dress

Did you know that when a woman wears a leather dress,

a man’s heart beats quicker,

his throat gets dry,

he gets weak in the knees

and he begins to think irrationally?

Ever wonder why?

It’s because she smells like a new golf bag!

Man sees beautiful woman

Harry sliced his tee shot way off into a field beside the golf course. Finally he finds the ball nestled in amongst some buttercups. On his back swing he hears a voice, "Please don't hurt my buttercups."

He stops his swing, looks around, sees no one, and prepares to hit again. "Please don't hurt my buttercups."

He stops again, looks up and sees a beautiful woman approaching. "I am mother nature," she says. "If you promise not to harm my buttercups, I can guarantee you an abundant supply of butter for the rest of your life."

Harry thinks about this and says, "Where you last week when I hit my ball into the pussywillows?"

Would you get married again?

WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND: Definitely not!

WIFE: Why not - don’t you like being married?

HUSBAND: Of course I do.

WIFE: Then why wouldn’t you remarry?

HUSBAND: Okay, I’d get married again.

WIFE: You would? [With a hurtful look on her face].

HUSBAND: [Makes audible groan].

WIFE: Would you live in our house?

HUSBAND: Sure, it’s a great house.

WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep?

WIFE: Would you let her drive my car?

HUSBAND: Probably, it is almost new.

WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers?

HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs?

HUSBAND: No, she’s left-handed.

WIFE: [Silence]

HUSBAND: ‘Oh dear.. *****’

A date rape drug...

Click on image to enlarge....

Wife & Mistress

I’ll go and ask if we can go through,” said Max to Jerry.

The two golfers had been concerned for some time at the snail-like progress of two women, originally some holes ahead and now just in front of them on the ninth fairway. Max returned after only a few paces towards the ladies.

“Jerry, this is very embarrassing, but would you mind going. That’s my wife up ahead and she’s playing with my mistress.”

Jerry returned having got no further forward than Max. “I say,” he said, “what a coincidence.”

Red faced lady golfer

The lady golfer was a determined, if not very proficient player. At each swipe she made at the ball earth flew in all directions.

“Gracious me,” she exclaimed red-faced to her caddie, “the worms will think there’s an earthquake.”

“I don’t know,” replied the caddie, “the worms round here are very clever. I’ll bet most of them are hiding underneath the ball for safety.”

A Misdirected Shot

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease his “pain.”

Please allow me to help, I am a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d just allow me!” She told him earnestly. “Ummph, oooh, nnnoo, I’ll be alright…I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

The woman takes it upon herself to begin to “ease his pain”. She began to massage his groin. After a few moments she asked, “does that feel better?” The man looked up at her and replied, “yes, that feels pretty good … but my thumb still hurts like hell!”